After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
Randomize
