wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
