Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
