I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
