Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
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