my boyfriend just said he'd go down on me if I gave him my password to facebook
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
Studying for the exam.. Identifying the portraits using phrases like "large penis"
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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