I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
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