Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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