Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Randomize
