Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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