a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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