so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
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