Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
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