If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Goodbye spring break, hello depressing video on AIDS.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
