I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
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