Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
Randomize
