literally had 100 drinks last night.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
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