sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
Randomize
