im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Randomize
