I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
