I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Randomize
