the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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