Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Less talking, more tequila
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
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