Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Randomize
