I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
Are we still banned from the library?
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
