i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
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