so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
