Your dad touched me again.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
I caught a glimpse of his penis. I can only imagine what your mom's vagina goes through because of that penis
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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