I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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