I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
