Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
Randomize
