Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
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