he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
