Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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