Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
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