low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
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