Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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