I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
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