The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
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