I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
