it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Randomize
