I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
