I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I should be sponsored by Trojan
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
