fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
