Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
My dad just said "fuck circus"
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
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