Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
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