The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
