he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
