My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
please come you make the beer taste better
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
