Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
