I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
